You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
