Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
