Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Michael Bay diarrhea
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
