You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
