I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
