I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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