I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
