the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I need to stop coming to work sober
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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