She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
