How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
