No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
