I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
