The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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