If that was your dad, he is hot
where am i from again
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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