Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
