My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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