On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
