Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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