I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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