I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it glows. i had to have it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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