do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
