I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
