Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
