24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
