He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
