That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
