i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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