Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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