people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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