K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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