she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
