Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
