..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
