your parents love me but you hate me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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