I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
