Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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