So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
In America we eat man semen.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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