Got a toothbrush?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
where am i from again
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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