farters have to be the big spoon...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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