you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
