I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Liz is crying about burritos again.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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