I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
