He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
