i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
