My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
