Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
