Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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