I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
