WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
