I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
