Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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